It was my turn,
to watch over you that afternoon.
I was in the chair next to your bed,
when the nurse came to check on you.
I was aware fluid was building in your lungs;
a sign death was coming.
When the nurse said it was likely
to happen that night
I was taken aback.
The certainty was voiced
by another with quiet assuredness.
I sat frozen in the moment
I wanted to cry out like a child
“no you can’t go!”
Instead I broke down crying.
The call to my sisters
Was fraught with emotion
“come now, it’s time”
I prepared the room
for their arrival.
I talked to you
as I moved furniture around.
Explaining Jean would want to
Sit close to you
I hope you heard.
Death is not what I thought it would be.
Death washed over you
You’re breathing softened;
Your heart was as
defiant as you were in life
coming to a resounding final rest.
Silence filled the room
wrapping its soft arms around us,
as our grief filled our souls.
I bent over to kiss your cheek,
It was cold and pasty.
It was then I realised you had passed much earlier
than we were aware.
Were you there, watching on
Mothering the living?
I hope you were there.
I know this despair intimately, old history, an old door
I feel shame, confusion
A deep sadness
My sorrow is profound
Words abandon articulation
I am left with grief
I never wanted to hurt, to cause pain
But I did
Your love is sacred
Your happiness is vital
I lay before you naked with love
To you I surrender
And ask for forgiveness
Trust is to be earned, to be respected
Words are forsaken here
It is in the deed where trust is cherished and nurtured
Unable to move forward
The torment of second hand love
Crushing the spirit
Losing identity, losing me
The break had to be severing, complete
Distance an empowering healer not understood by all
The hurt experienced so far nothing in comparison
To the gut wrenching pain to come
Reliving the cruelty
Tears spontaneously fall
Sadness etched on skin
Days and then into weeks
Infecting life with a despondency inescapable
At the moment of breaking
In the quiet
I reconnect and accept me
Recovery and reclaiming begins
Realising that distance was not to allow space to detach from feeling
But to embrace the pain and allow myself to grieve for what was lost
An unkind phrase
A judgment handed down
To another viewed as inferior
All of us are porters in our own lives
No one escapes carrying their load
Some stop and open the case
To find out what’s inside, what makes us tick
Makes us do what we do
Why we hurt others, ourselves
What we find can be tearfully childlike
And some catch a glimpse and slam the case shut
Never to be opened again
Pretense allows us to hide from our infant fears
While others can’t fathom the complexity
When all is unpacked and known
Is expecting forgiveness permitted?
No judgment today the court is adjourned
As compassion is a porters best quality in defence.
In the shadow of my sorrow
I wander aimlessly caressing
the loving echo of your memory
your laughter, your scent
holding in my arms of remorse
a hard but necessary decision
I swaddle you in tenderness
light emanates for a sweet moment
before my arms grow heavy and
I return to the shadow
Words said and words never released
Have inscribed my body since a girl
Confused and scared
Too young to understand
My mind became a sweet cage
My body a canvas
Teach your children well
To covert thyne fear
And set adrift their mind and soul
Searching to redeem trust
Endlessly through life
The scourge of the Secret
Assaulting those we love
Without knowing, or caring
Slowly murdering humanity
Sadness is vacant industry standing alone in the warmth of the caressing sun
The structure is a shell of its former self
Vacuous with its mortar increasingly brittle to the touch
In the quietness the wind gently swirls remnants of memory
Lightly dancing across the bare foundations at the heart of the building
Echoing the bustle of past conversations and laughter
Before softly ebbing into silence once again
Left abandoned without somone to notice or care
The old structure slowly crumbles and decomposes under a blue sky